Guide to forthcoming US election rumours as dredged up by Drudge

On President Bush
March: we will find out that Bush spent the missing six months serving in the Swiss Guard at the Vatican. Democrats howl with outrage
April: Drudge will report, that Bush tried to get his aid to get him a "hot bit of intern" , but couldn't remember the correct word and instead demanded a " a hot internal bid", which was promptly won by Halliburton .
May: gossip will emerge that claims Bush was CIA agent during Reagan years but mistook the Iran-Contra file for the contra-Iran one.
June: Drudge reveals that Bush had wanted Frum to change the Axis of Evil to include Baghdad , but was later told that it was actually part of Iraq. Frum was fired anyway.
July : Readers learn that Bush tried to head for Canada during then Vietnam war but had turned the map upside down. His special relationship with Mexico started a few days later.

On Senator Kerry:
March: Drudge claims that upon his return from Vietnam, Kerry first joined the Vietnam Vet's Polo league but found that he needed more cameras on him.
April: We find out that Kerry burned Jane Fonda's bra, since he did not want to wreck his own.
May: According to Drudge, Kerry forbids Ketchup in his house telling his chef to feed it to the people instead.
June: It is revealed that Kerry used Limbaugh's drug dealer but that speed had no effect on his demeanour.
July : Kerry is shown to be in bed with special interest lobbyist ,every second Saturday night, if he has done all his chores . Heinz stocks rise sharply on announcement.

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Bryant's Lawyers Suing Jackson's Attorneys

Lawyers for basketball star Kobe Bryant, accused of raping a female hotel staff, have filed suit against the attorneys defending Michael Jackson. Hal Haddon lead attorney for Bryant's defence team filed their complaint against Mark Geragos and his legal team on Tuesday in La Paz, Bolivia. In the suit, Haddon claims that " Geragos and his client have taken away the limelight owed to the Bryant defence team through the irresponsible timing of Jackson's alleged crime and his lawyer's willingness to supply him with legal advice thereafter". In the suit, Haddon further alleges that the pop star's antics are clearly intended to overshadow his brilliant defence strategy (the alleged victim is a slut) as well as hog all of Greta Van Susteren's time on CNN.

A visibly upset Haddon had this to say when confronted by reporters for The Fibber shortly after the complaint was filed:

" We had it all !! A rich black star accused of raping a young white female: it was OJ without all the killing. And now this f******* freak has wrecked the whole thing. There's no f****** way we can compete against a ghost accused of diddling a dying Latino kid, no f******** way at all . Kobe could be accused of raping the entire Hotel staff as well as the carps in lobby pond and we still wouldn't get on Larry King. There goes my book deal, there goes the movie that Disney was going to make, and there goes my f******* job as a legal pundit on FOX"

Jackson's lawyers could not be reached for comments, but a secretary for Geragos let it be known that " if Jackson does not cough up any money soon he'll have to get his chimp to defend him".