What was intended as a two day celebration of Canadian cultural diversity has created an open split between some of the countries leading activists on language and cultural issues.

While the first day of the "Multinational Conference on Naming and Food Groups" hosted by the Canadian Coalition for Multicultural Sensitivity and Advancement (CCMSA) proceeded as planned, trouble arose on the second day when discussion turned to the modernisation of culture sensitive naming conventions .

German-Canadian Delegate , Klaus Einmarsch , had started to argue for a name change , stating that the term 'German-Canadian' no longer reflected the post cold-war climate and that from hence on his delegation would like to be addresses as "Kraut-Canadians". This immediately caused the Polish-Canadian delegation to object on the grounds that the term was to exclusive since it was well known that cabbage was also a Polish dish. The Hungarian-Canadian delegation seconded the motion, but was overruled when the Russian-Canadian delegation sided with the German-Canadians, after the two had apparently formed a pact to share any names related to cabbage on an even basis.

The mood at the conference deteriorated rapidly, as the French-Canadian delegation along with the representatives of the British ex -pat community , who themselves had just adopted their new moniker 'Pale-Canadians' allied themselves with the Polish-Canadian representatives while warning the Kraut-Canadians that any incursion into the area of cabbage or any cabbage derivative name association would be seen as a breech in conference protocol.

The lone Swiss-Canadian delegate, Ms. Zumkuckuck, tried to calm tempers but was herself quickly embroiled in the rising tension when the Vatican-Canadian delegation led by Bishop Bob accused her of failing to adequately guard the naming rights of Canadians from smaller states . The Lichtenstein-Canadian delegation agreed , stating that they had to spend enormous sums for stationary each year and that their application to be known as Stein-Canadians had not been given sufficient scrutiny and support. The Monaco-Canadian delegates also concurred and , in an act of defiance, proclaimed that from now on they would be known as 'Mo-Canadians' .

Howls of derision now arose from corner where Mongolian-Canadians were conferring , but their claims that they had been the first to reserve that particular name was quickly drowned out by escalating events down the room: without any warning the German-Kraut-Canadian delegation had undertaken an about face and invaded the conference space of the Russian-Canadian delegation, having already overrun the Polish and French-Canadian positions. In the ensuing chaos, the Jewish -Canadian delegation erected a wall of chairs between themselves and the Palestinian-Canadian representatives, which was subsequently demolished when the Greek-Lesbian-Canadian spokesperson accidentally bumped into it while chasing a right-wing Turkish-Canadian delegate down the center aisle.

Order was restored a few hours later, when the US ambassador William Marshall Dean arrived to give the key-note speech. Conference organizer, Mr. White, later re-assured reporters that although minor differences in opinion had been expressed, the meeting as a whole was an great success and that next year's government funding for a follow-up conference had already been secured.

Explanatory note: Unlike our neighbours to the South, Canada has an official policy known as the Multiculturalism Act, which encourages immigrants to maintain and foster their heritage. This program has been a great aid in integrating various ethnic groups into a society that now welcomes them with open arms, especially if they are white and speak flawless English.

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