So you have watched every show there is on renovation and are ready to turn that 1980s style kitchen into a post-post-modern, stainless steel cooking space? Before you take this decorating challenge, be aware that a recent survey in which participants in two of The Learning Channel's [sic] leading shows "Trading Spaces" and "Clean Sweep" were interviewed has revealed some interesting facts:

1) After redecorating your house, your partner will still be overweight and middle aged homely, your kids will still be TV junkied bores, and your dog remains a golden retriever.
2) An architectural snore of a house will stay just that, even if you choose to glue purple silhouettes of your husbands fanny onto a row of orange stripes.
3) In real life, US$1000 might buy you one decent painting from an emerging artist and carpenters charge at least $40 an hour.
4) It is often cheaper to burn down your house, and have your insurance buy you something decent downtown or out in the country.

It appears then, that change cannot be had by the stroke of the brush. Leading psychologist Dr. Pill confirms this. His advice is to " use the money that you have set aside for renovations to do a Gauguin : buy a one way ticket to some place warm, shag yourself silly and get pissed until you have forgotten how to use email".

_________________________

_______________________________________________________________________________________