 |
Infected Cod waiting for treatment |
Cod
Cold Spreads to Nova Scotia
Having been spared SARS, BSE, and Bird Flue, Nova Scotia is now facing
its own epidemic. The Cod Cold, which first emerged in Conception
Bay, Newfoundland, has made its way south and was spotted climbing
ashore near Sydney Mines. Although similar to the bird flue, in that
it can only be transmitted by touching and ingesting infected animals,
the cod cold's symptoms are not nearly as harsh as those of its Asian
counterpart. As one expert at DFO put it, " the cod cold is more
of a nuisance, really. It leaves you lethargic, unmotivated and sexually
depressed. Much like being married as a matter of fact". Dr.
Salay went on to state that there is no reason to panic, since the
only way a person could die from the disease would be if he or she
swallowed an infected animal whole.
|
In a press conference earlier
today, Nova Scotia's Minister of health , Angus MacIsaac, warned Nova
Scotians to be careful when handling cod . According to MacIsaac,
stray cod ought not to be touched or petted , especially by the elderly
or anybody looking as old as Paul Martin. He went on to state that
" any citizen who finds a cod in his or her bathtub should immediately
contact their local emergency department and wait for 30 hours or
stay on the phone to talk to a doctor, whichever come first".
MacIsaac stressed, that the province will do whatever it can to deal
with the crisis, as soon as the parliament is back in session in June.
_______________________________________________ |
| Hamm to add Minister of
Hypochondria
The ranks of the Hamm cabinet are swelling once again. Although
it is not know yet who will be put in charge of Nova Scotia's new
Ministry for Hypochondria and Olfactory Hallucinations , the Premier
assured voters at a news conference yesterday, that he will choose
someone who " smokes and does not run around with one of those
f*&^$&* masks".
Although the need this type of ministry has been around since the
great perfume scare of 1992, the whole endeavour came to a head
this past week when 100 workers at a new Minas hospital imitated
the behaviour of French medieval meowing nuns and collectively felt
that the air around them was turning their blood into mercury .
Subsequent blood analyses proved that all of them were in fine shape
but that they should avoid licking heavy machinery for the next
few weeks .
Nova Scotia has long been ground zero for modern olfactorial mass
hysteria. Today, hundreds of its inhabitants faint at the whiff
of a soap cleaned baby, collapse when the person in front of them
has kissed their overly perfumed grandmother three hours before,
and start to froth at their mouth when, as they are getting out
of their mufflerless 1989 Dodge Minivan, spot somebody lighting
up 100 meters (3 feet) to the south.
Citing an increase in healthcare cost, Hamm announced that "
the appointment of a new minister will stop all this tomfoolery
". The new Minister's responsibility will be to a) decrease
hospital spending by deporting scent sensitive citizens to Vancouver,
b) investigate why the necks of Nova Scotia's are so much more fragile
then those of the rest of the country , c) take charge of Bill 234
, which would allow hospital workers to wear underarm deodorants
that might contain some lemon scent and d) attempt to decrease Nova
Scotia's victim complex by banning Oprah on all local stations.
________________________________
 |
Unidentified Patient found
in QEII Emergency Room
Workers at the Queen Elisabeth II Health center found a
patient in one of the waiting rooms earlier today. Authorities
are now looking to the public for any information that might
help them identify their mysterious patient. Anyone with
information should phone the hospital at their earliest
convenience.
<----- Do You Know This Person. If so please call 1
800 HEALTH CARE
|
|
|
