(A.S.I.F.) At least four hundred of the six hundred spectators that attended this year's Woman's Curling Championship in Flin Flon, Manitoba have tested positive for the banned substance Methamphetamine, also known as Speed. Although rarely used in athletic circles, the substance is rampant amongst fans of slow-motion sports. Just last year, 64 000 Australian fans attending a cricket match were shown to have ingested the drug and were subsequently banned , much to their jubilation, from watching the second half of the encounter the following month.

The Canadian National Curling Federation has not made any decision yet on how to deal with this massive infraction. According to the Federation President, Ms Doreen Slider, it is imperative that her organisation will act swiftly : " if we allow this fans to get away with it now, we will soon face competitions were no one in the bleachers can sleep in peace and quiet". Slider went on to state, that the added noise from the crowd " will distract our players….they are simply not used to this amount of stimulation".

IOC Doping Commissar, Dick Pound, could not be reached for comments. According to his secretary, Mr. Pound is trying to forget about his failed bid to become IOC president by relaxing in a small hut somewhere in Jamaica.

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