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Fox
Viewers Barred from Canada
Bill Graham, Canadian Minister for Foreign Affairs, announced at
a press conference this morning that, from now on, American tourist
will be required to write a short test in order to determine whether
they are Fox News watchers.
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This comes after Fox News' Bill O'Reilly threatened to call for
a boycott of Canada if it does not return two American deserters
to the United States. According to Graham, not only will Fox News
remain banned from Canadian TV channel, but, in order to stop the
spread to "loony" right-wing views, " all potential
trouble makers, especially Yanks who watch Fox, will be barred from
our noble country".
The Ministry of Foreign Affairs has yet to release the test which,
should they fail it, will result in the tourist's immediate expulsion
from Canada. The Fibber has obtained a preliminary copy (see right).
The questionnaire appears to be a fool-proof detection mechanism
on which great care has been lavished so as to cause as little offence
as possible.
This point was emphasised by Graham who argues that "at no
time in history has the relationship between Canada and our neighbour
to the South been stronger. With the largest undefended border,
yadayadayada trade, yadayadayada friendship, yadayadayada security
. "
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PEI
Regiment arrives late for Hurricane cleanup
A visibly elated, but slightly tired and embarrassed, Colonel Odi
Seuss held a press conference in Halifax, after his regiment arrived
for the hurricane Juan clean-up half a year after it started out
from Summerside, PEI.
 According
to Seuss, all went well until they arrived at the other side of
the confederation bridge, when, for reasons yet to be determined
by an internal inquiry, they headed North instead of South.
"It was the darnest thing. One moment Halifax was on the bottom
of the map, the next moment it was on the top. "
The regiment travelled towards Fredericton via back roads, when
all three of their trucks broke down within 2 kilometres of each
other. Having forgotten their compass back at the base, the soldiers
marched on bravely, hoping to hit civilization before dusk. Little
did they know that it would take 6 more months before arriving at
their destination.
Although no one is sure, which exact path the regiment took to
get to Halifax, what is know is that they were discovered by a group
of Canadian Tourists 30 km North of Bangor, sitting in a Krispy
Cream Donut store asking for Tim Bits.
When it pointed out to Seuss, that, technically, his regiment had
invaded the U.S, he acknowledged that there might be some diplomatic
re-percussions in the future .Still, given that his soldiers had
left their guns behind and were armed only with saws and rakes,
Seuss does not think that the actions of his regiment would be construed
as an act of war.
" I know we crossed the border and all that, but none of the
people we encountered seemed particularly alarmed.". When asked
about the incident, a spokesperson for the Pentagon expressed surprise
at the fact that Canada actually had a military.
David Pratt, Canada's Defence Minister, reacted in a similar fashion
. In a news conference held in Jamaica, the minister stated that
he was under the impression that the PEI Regiment had been disbanded
after the Second World War. Pratt, never the less, was delighted
that Canadian troops had advanced deep into Maine without getting
noticed. According to the Minister, "it shows the resourcefulness
and stealth of the modern Canadian military. It's really the first
time that our troops have invaded anything since Korea. Too bad
that we could not keep Maine".
Having been away from their families for six months, Colonel Seuss
and his soldiers will return home tomorrow for an extended leave.
Next month they are scheduled to be deployed in Afghanistan, to
act as scouts for Canadian troops already stationed there.
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