Like, doing it: School's Sensual Sex Secrets

Leave it to the hard working Fibber to get down and dirty in order to bring you, the reader, the kinky facts. The controversial new sex-education guide published by the Nova Scotia Government, and distributed freely to under-aged souls all over this wholesome province, left a schoolgirl's blush on this writer's cheeks. Still, in the name of reporting, he wallowed through the smut to bring you some of the juicier bits.
As avid reader of this zine might have observed, the Fibber is not a fanatic when it comes to upholding the Queen's English. Yet, even he was quite shocked at the way modern educators pander to the linguistic whims of their charges. Read for yourself:

"Sex and Marriage"

Sometimes when older people, like, like each other , they, like, do it. Your parents, for example, do it, like, at least twice a month. If your parents aren't, like, married , they do it even more often.

Rappers also do it. Like , when 50 cents sings about "gettin' it on" , he, like, means doing it. When he eventually finds his hoe , he'll get married and then he won't be getting' it very much . It's like when the guy in the Matrix finds out that he is Neo, things change, and so will you.

Now, how do your parents do it. Well , first of all , they swig back a few brews or smoke a joint, then they get, like, naked. Then the old man has to go to the washroom for a quick pee. Your mother, like, starts, like, yelling at him to "not forget the f------ condom this time" and then they get into a fight. Then later, after they had, like, four or five more drinks, they'll ,like, do it .

So listen up y'all. If you , like , want to do it, get married. If you, like, want to do it a lot : don't.

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Free-range Goth Farming Gaining in Popularity

Belmont - When Annick French failed to get a bank loan last year to re-build her barn, she decided to turn her 60 acre property in to a farm, thereby qualifying for government subsidies. Today, French is the first Goth farmer in Nova Scotia.

Having ruled out more tradition farming, French turned to the Internet and discovered that Goth farming has been practiced successfully in Europe for the last twenty years. According to French, " the thing is, [that] every large city has Goths and needs a new supply every few years. The older ones start to die off or become accountants, so the market is always there".

Goth farming started off in the late 1970s, when bands like Bauhaus and the Sisters of Mercy became popular and needed fans who espoused nihilistic tendencies while showing interest in the mythology that surrounded the un-dead. Since Western Europe had only a small breeding stock, farmers turned to Rumania and parts of Hungary to help them start up operations. Within a few short years, successful breeding operations sprang up throughout France and the UK.

In contrast, North American Goth farming was virtually non-existent until the mid 1990s, when books by Anne Rice detailing vampire culture heightened interest in gothic themes and lead to a staggering increase in demand for Goths and Goth related accessories.

According to French, Nova Scotia is lagging behind the rest of North America, but she hopes that demand will grow enough for her operation to succeed. By raising her Goths without feeding them antibiotics and letting them roam free in her dark basement for up to six hours every night, French hopes to set herself apart from other Goth breeders. As she puts it, "I am aiming for the BC market. My Goths are raised cruelty free, are not genetically modified and get to pierce themselves as often as they desire".

If all goes well, French hopes to get another grant from ACOA in order to start breeding pointed ear varieties and, thus, expand into the more lucrative Lord of the Rings market.

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PARTICIPATE: Nova Scotia's Brandstorming

More than a million of Nova Scotia's dollars are being used by Premier Hamm & co to come up with an overhaul of our province's image. The old slogans, "bigger than P.E.I" and " Kauft Neuschottland [ Buy Nova Scotia]" , the latter aimed at the German market, have failed and new ideas are being sought out. Ever the good Nova Scotian, the Fibber has deemed it fit to do some of the province's work and come up with the goods. Here are some new branding concepts donated by the finest minds in our office.

Naturally this is only the start of our Keith's induced , blue-nosed, brain storming session. The Fibber is confident that its readers will provide even more sizzling fodder for the advertising mill. Hence, send your ideas for slogans and ads straight to our news desk and see them in print in our next issue.