Plant CPR : An Expert Guide

So you are about to consign that drooping fern to the great compost in the sky? Not so fast. According to Dr. Phil Klorophil , plant biologist at the University of Guelph, thousands of houseplants in Canada die needlessly every year. To rectify this situation, Klorophul , who is also the president of Guelph's 'Right to Leave' organisation, has come up with an easy, three step resuscitation method.

STEP 1 : Making sure that it is almost dead

Look for any leaf that has any green in it. Lacking that, look for one that might have been green , had you not used it as an ashtray for all these years. Once you have chosen your leaf, gently lift it up, then lower it again, all the while feeling for some form of pulse. Should you fail to find one, immediately go to Step 2.

Sometimes, when you create the layout for one of these web pages, things don't quite fit. Should this happen, you simply put a line of gibberish wherever you need it. It's easy to pull off, when you are a columnist. In some cases, whole papers are created that way.

Step 2: Push life back into it.

Find the center of the plant, then cover it with the flat palm of your left hand. Use your right hand to ward off the cat that is trying to use it as a litter box again. Now, gently but firmly, press down five times, or until you don't feel like doing it anymore. Move on to Step 3

Step 3 The Kiss of life or something like it.

Press your mouth firmly against a bare spot next to the center of the plant. Use your tongue to create a small hole in the earth, then blow as hard as you bloody can. This should be repeated 67 times . Make sure not to rinse out your mouth in between blows, as any hint of moisture might startle the poor thing and cause it to go into hydronic spasms.
Here we need another line or two, purely for aestetic reasons. The little girl in the pictures is named Mia and she is the reason why the Fibber is never published on time.

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